1) If it was easy, we could hire chimpanzees to do it and pay them in banannas.
2) If "Ifs" and "Buts", were candies and nuts, oh what a Purim it would be . . . .
3) There is an a**hole in every group, you are lucky if there is only one. If they leave, quit, die, or leave, there are many just waiting to take their place . . . .like dandelions.
4) When asked how things are going on a bad day . . . "If it was going any better, I would have to pay to be here."
5) When asked how things are going on a really bad day . . . " Just Peachy!"
6) Work isn't supposed to be fun, and it isn't suppose to be easy. If it was fun and easy, it would be called "Play" and you would have to pay money to do it. Be happy if you have days when work is fun and easy, because it probably won't last.
7) If you want to make Doctor's wages . . . .go to medical school.
8) Sometimes I wish that stupid would hurt, that way you could stay clear of people who walk around holding their heads.
9) If everyone was smart, then it would be that much more difficult to make a living. Stupid gives us good work.
10) If production employees didn't tear things up, 2/3 of us (maintenance) wouldn't be necessary. Stupid and Careless keeps us in good work.
11) If you want someone to tell you how great you are, call your Mother.
12) Don't let people realize how much they aggravate you. Smile at them, project a positive mood. It will irritate them much more than a wisecrack.
13) Hey kettle! Pot calling.
14) "Are you asking me, or telling me?"
15) "Would you bet your next paycheck on that?"